Abacha protests in heaven, begs to return

29th December 2023

  • By Tunde Odesola

With his flaming sword, Angel Michael fled towards Heaven’s Gate – from the Gate of Paradise, where he was stationed. The angel had got wind of an untoward noise at Heaven’s Gate located far outside Paradise. As he spread his wings and rode the clouds en route to Heaven’s Gate, he thought about the strange noise. He couldn’t hazard a guess for the unprecedented noise but he sped towards it, all the same, because he needed to see things for himself – as the Captain of the heavenly hosts. All the 12 gates of heaven are under his charge.

The archangel screeched to a halt as he came in sight of Heaven’s Gate, also known as the Pearly Gates. There it was, smack in front of the Gate, a chariot made of hard currencies – pounds, euros, dollars, yuan, yen, cryptocurrency, but no naira. The chariot was also loaded to the brim with the rarest gemstones such that its lone occupant only sat on one side of his buttocks.

Angel Michael was livid with rage. “What won’t these lousy creatures called humans do?” he muttered, wondering, “Does this one think he can bribe his way into Paradise?” Angel Michael was quick to anger; he unsheathed his flaming sword, and aimed a swing at the neck of the occupant, who leapt out like a cat on hot stones, shouting, “Haba Allah! Haba Allah! Haba Allah!”

The occupant landed on the floor, rattling the chariot and spilling some gems that dazzled blindingly. He remained on the floor for a few seconds, panting, blinking, sucking air into his lungs. When he straightened himself up, he was not up to five feet. On his head was a green helmet. Jackboots encased his feet. He had a pistol in the holster of his military uniform. The nametag on his military uniform read Sanni Abacha.

Sanni Abacha: (Still shaking) Angel Michael, I do not mean to assault the sensibilities of Heaven with my showiness. I’m constrained to carry these earthly acquisitions with me everywhere because the ones I sent earlier to Nigeria were all embezzled. As the father of Nigeria, who art in heaven, I send millions of hard currencies to my people from time to time, knowing full well the economic hardship they face. But as it was in the beginning, so as the looting continued and probably will be so forevermore.

Angel Michael: You don’t belong here! You know where you should be; why did you come along this way!?

Sanni Abacha: I came to protest, sir!

Angel Michael: Protest?

Sanni Abacha: Yes, protest, sir! I came to protest why my days were not long on earth. I came to protest why other commanders-in-thief are not vehemently criticised for corruption. Why me? Why only me? If I didn’t die, would Nigeria criticise me? Is my predecessor, Ibrahim Babangida, not enjoying in Nigeria despite all the atrocities he committed? What about my successors, are any of them a saint? If I was alive, I would’ve been deified, not demonised. I would’ve been attending the Council of State meetings. I surely would’ve emerged as civilian President. My son would’ve emerged as Kano governor. My wife would’ve been in the Senate. My daughters would’ve lived inside the presidential jets. I would’ve been the Jagaban.

Angel Michael: You’re polluting the sacredness of this realm, Son of Adam Now, go back to the special lake prepared for you.

Sanni Abacha: Two things before I go, Holy Michael. Why kill me and leave other commanders-in-thief? We are all the same…

Angel Michael: (Cuts in) I have no control over how many days you spend on earth. That belongs to the Creator. But I know your days on earth were spent in blind acquisition of wealth and bloodshed – and that quickened your recall.

Sanni Abacha: That’s what I’m saying! Stereotype! Name-calling! Victimisation! I just don’t understand the grand conspiracy against me! I don’t know why I’m being singled out. Angel Michael, sir, you have the power to view the local and foreign bank accounts of living Nigerian leaders in a jiffy; can you do so, Angel Michael? Please, do so and let’s see.

Angel Michael: Wait, let me see.

Sanni Abacha: Thank you, Holy Angel. Check every leader’s accounts, local, foreign, hidden vaults, girlfriends’ and concubines’ accounts, and children’s accounts. Please, search everyone’s accounts – governors, ministers, senators, reps, house of assembly, council chairmen, everyone.

Angel Michael: (Wipes his face with his palms as he views a large screen invisible to Abacha)

Sanni Abacha: You wipe your face with your palms, Angel Michael? Do you see what I’m saying? What I stole isn’t up to what others have stolen. Nigeria is a whale washed ashore, a few men in power cannot exhaust it. Mark you, sir, there are many more whales in the Nigerian ocean.

Angel Michael: (Continues to view the figures on his screen) I think I need a pair of glasses!

Sanni Abacha: You see! You see! It’s only Abacha that stole!! Abacha’s the only rogue!

Angel Michael: What about the killings and repressions you carried out?

Sanni Abacha: How many people did I kill compared to the number of people sent to their early graves as a result of terrorism, kidnapping, banditry, road accidents, ill-equipped hospitals, depression – all occasioned by corruption? Who has killed more? Nigeria had adequate security in my time. I controlled inflation. I died at 54 years of age, they have been ruling Nigeria forever. I increased Nigeria’s foreign exchange reserves from $494 million in 1993 to $9.6 billion in 1997. I reduced Nigeria’s external debt from $36 billion to $27 billion. I reduced the 54% inflation rate I inherited to 8.5% with oil selling for $15 per barrel on the average. I never travelled abroad.

Angel Michael: This is not a campaign ground, little man!

Sanni Abacha: I’m not campaigning, Captain of Heaven’s Army.

Angel Michael: So, keep quiet while I check more accounts and properties… (More lines appear on the angel’s forehead. He spiritually produces a pair of glasses and a large towel to wipe his face.)

Sanni Abacha: (Talking silently to himself) Nigeria kwaruption don wear glasses for Angel Michael. People complain about my wife and son; see what the wives and children of my colleagues are doing today? Nigerians scorn me when they should crown me. Death is not fair to me. In ba mutuwa bane, ba wanda zai fi ni mutunci a kasan na.

Angel Michael: Check completed.

Sanni Abacha: (Excited) Yes, what did you see, Holy One?

Angel Michael: This is not VAR. No human eye can see the result on this screen.

Sanni Abacha: Please, tell me your findings.

Angel Michael: No!

Sanni Abacha: Is there no democracy in heaven? No fairness? No freedom of information?

Angel Michael: See who’s talking about democracy, fairness and freedom of information? What did you and Babangida do to June 12? Did you not kill Ken Saro-Wiwa and other Ogoni leaders? Did you not kill Kudirat Abiola? What did you do to Pa Alfred Rewane? Baba Abraham Adesanya? Journalists, activists and labour leaders?

Sanni Abacha: Angel Michael, is it not written that God appoints? The people you mentioned did not want to give unto Caesar what is Caesar’s. So, they had to be taken care of by Sergeant Rogers.

Angel Michael: Just as you were taken care of. I’ll forward my findings to the Creator of Heaven and Earth. He’s the One to determine what to do with those troubling and looting Nigeria.

Sanni Abacha: Send me back to Nigeria, I plead; I’ll fix Nigeria in four years, no second term.

Angel Michael: It’s appointed for man to die once, and after death comes judgment. Like Pharaoh, you shut your mind to reason. Your judgment is nigh.

Sanni Abacha: Babangida shunned appearing before the Oputa panel. Nothing happened. Obasanjo was a coward who couldn’t bring Babangida to justice for eight years. Yet, Obasanjo would describe himself as an anti-corruption champion. How many millions of dollars went down the drain of power supply during Obasanjo’s time? What about his privatisation policy? He shows off with the EFCC. EFCC my foot!

Angel Michael: Time to return to your lake, little man.

Sanni Abacha: Let me finish, Holy Angel. President Goodluck Jonathan closed his eyes to the atrocities of those before him. While campaigning, President Muhammadu Buhari described Jonathan as a thief but when he assumed power, Jonathan became an angel. President Bola Tinubu is trying former CBN governor, Godwin Emefiele, who was doing the bidding of Buhari, the most inept President in the history of mankind. Buhari is free, but Emefiele is not. Nigeria needs me now, Angel Michael, please, let me go back. No nation grows with selective justice.

Angel Michael: Yes, you must go back to your lake right now! Others are coming to join you soon. Go, I command!

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